The "F" word...

No, not that "F word"... did I fool ya? ;) haha. If only I could write a blog on that...it'd probably be a much easier subject than this "F word":  Forgiveness.

for·give  [fer-giv]
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

I've always thought of myself as a very forgiving person. I hate to have bad blood between me and anyone...I try and give people the benefit of the doubt...I try and see the good in all people...I love to "fix" things...I love to "communicate"...and I love having people like me! Haha, who doesn't?

But lately I have really been tested in this area. Forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion—all of it goes hand-in-hand. So I just wanted to talk about my experience with this, in hopes that maybe it will encourage someone reading this, who might be going through something similar or will in the future.

The past 2 months have probably been the hardest months of my life. To sum it up without being too exposing: 

-My entire immediate family moving out to Wyoming [parents, older sis, bro-in-law, and their 5 kids].
-My little sister and her husband are moving to Thailand in a few months for who knows how long.
-If that wasn't hard enough, a couple close friends have hurt me deeply and have disappeared from my life. 

Needless to say, I feel pretty lonely and abandoned here in big, ole' Florida. At the time when I need friends the most, a handful of the ones closest to me seem to be nowhere in sight. And that's hard.

If these "changes" were one at a time, I'm sure it'd be easier...but all these things happened all at once, and I'm struggling. It's like that fun, lil' quote goes: "When it rains, it pours."

The hardest kind of forgiveness is the kind where someone wrongs you, but they don't apologize or try and right the wrong...so you have to forgive them without ever feeling "justified" or "reconciled" or anything... You just have to let go... That's the hardest kind, and that's the kind I'm going through lately.

Luckily, my stubbornness comes in handy here—because I've decided that I wont let anyone have control like that over me. That's what happens to you if you cant forgive someone and move on—you give them a power over you—a control. I saw this quote a long time ago and always liked it:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes

So, I have been in this process of forgiveness. That's what forgiveness really is: a process. Someone hurts you, you forgive them, and even though you may truly forgiven them right then, the pain/hurt/offense is sure to pop up again...the enemy is sneaky like that. Sometimes it's the next day, week, or it might not pop up until years later—but you have to continually choose to forgive—and show those people grace and mercy, even when they don't deserve it.

This isnt the end of the story for me. There's always going to be some offense that will pop up, in need of forgiveness—it's just up to us whether we decide to pick up that offense and carry it around on our backs—letting it drag us down. It's a hard, but worthwhile process. It's like I told a close friend in an email recently:

"I have good days and bad days. A lot of lonely days, but God will/is sustaining me. He's a good Dad, and I just gotta put my faith in Him when man/"friends" fail... I feel stronger week by week...I'm easily consumed by my problems though...but I'm laying these things down continually to Him and trying not to focus on whats going WRONG, cuz there's still good stuff going right too :) God knows what I need when I need it...thats what I tell myself. He's in control :)"

God has been showing me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I know I don't "deserve" the grace and forgiveness I've been given...that's for darn sure...so who am I to withhold it from someone else?

I've been looking at this quote daily to remind myself of the right mindset to have:

“A warrior mindset is always focused on victory. It allows no possibility of defeat. It does not retreat. It stands under extreme pressure. It advances by God’s permission. The Lord has a language of intimidation; it’s called worship. Your intimacy intimidates the enemy. Never forget that he is afraid of rejoicing hearts. He cannot stay in the presence of real praise.” -Graham Cooke

Victory- yes! I wont give up on love- or people. It's all about renewing your mind and your thought life. We have to change our perspectives on our situations, change unhealthy thought-patterns and habits that get us back in the same situations over and over, and choose to walk in the truth daily! [props to Mr. Davis for that reminder last Sunday :)]. Block out the lies that say "well, if so-n-so used me, everyone is gonna use me"..."if so-n-so hurt my trust, I cant trust anyone"...those are lies, and you cant let your past define your future. 

There's a quote I saw from one of my favorite authors, Danny Silk. He has a book called "Keep Your Love On" that I haven't read yet, but he quotes on Facebook all the time. The other day he said:

"Turning your love back on after it has been off is even more powerful then turning it on the first time. Turning your love back on after the experience of pain means that your choice to love one another can not be conditioned by what the other person does or dose not do. KYLO!!!" -Danny Silk

That goes hand-in-hand with what the Bible says [more references: Matt. 6:14-15, Matt. 18:21-22]:

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

So simple, but so powerful. "Keep Your Love On", people. And forgive. Over and over. With no expectations. Your spirit will thank you, and eventually, those people you forgive might even thank you too :)

Song of the Day: 

Oceans (Where feet may fail)- Hillsong United :)

Jesus Killed My Plans

This whole week I've been trying to absorb what I learned from this book I just read, called Jesus Killed My Church, by Randy Bohlender. I'm part of this book club where I get to read free eBooks once a month or something...this was the first one I got.

"Jesus Killed My Church" is the story of a church plant that should have gone gangbusters yet managed to go bust, and a church planter who learned that the only measure of success is recognizing the leadership of Jesus as perfect. Randy Bohlender relays his lessons learned in a humorous way that drives home a point – that God has a plan even when ours fall apart." [Amazon]

I thought, "Uhhh, Im not looking to plant a church anywhere...why would I read this"...but then I saw the "God has a plan even when ours fall apart" part...and thought, "Yeah, maybe I should read this."

It's a miracle I finished it—not because it was too long or boring—I just have a hard time finishing books. But from the first chapter, I was enthralled in this man's story. His story-telling style was so captivating. I wanted to keep reading. He has amazing accounts of miracles, confirmations, and God's CRAZY provision in his family's life.

Randy says:

"God is forever writing our story, and He gives us the dignity of being able to introduce characters that occasionally wrinkle the plot. Often we fear that we've permanently changed the trajectory of what might have been if we’d only been more obedient or pious. He smiles at this. He alone knows how many pages He has left before He needs to bring resolve, and He knows that it’s going to be okay."

It's ok to fail. It's ok to not get it right the first time. Or even the second time. I've really struggled this past year with believing this though. 

Last year, at this exact time, I was planning to move to NYC to pursue my dream of doing something media/broadcasting-related. I told everyone I was going. I even started to give away stuff that I couldnt take with me. For months beforehand, I was messaging strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, etc, seeking out connections on where to move, etc. I even joined a roommate-finder website! 

I was saving money all year. Then my car started dying—$700—bye. Then my job cut my hours from full-time to part-time—that extra ~$400 dollars a month—deuces. I couldn't save money to save my life, and I couldn't find a roommate/place to live.

I was planning on moving in August. It was the end of June, and nothing was working out. Come mid-July, I had to make a decision. Go out on a limb with the $1200 i had to my name and move without having a solid plan, or, lay down this dream for the time being and find a place to rent in Sarasota. 

Obviously, I stayed. It felt like I was trying to force God's timing. And He wasnt having it.

I had truly believed that God was releasing me to move finally. My parents were moving, all these friends of mine were getting married, moving away, or moving on. I thought "It's my time! Why am I staying? I need to go after my dreams and just DO SOMETHING!" 

But it just didn't work out how I thought it would. 

Honestly, I've struggled with a lot of hurt from God since then. Not anger, just hurt and confusion. I have big dreams in my heart, big plans for my future—plans and dreams I feel like He placed in me. And none of them are coming to pass in Florida. Year by year has gone by, and all these people around me are moving, changing, progressing, and I felt like I was in this cycle of constant "change", but the change wasn't happening IN me, only to me and around me.

Randy also says:

"In the moment, I rarely fully know what God is doing. I try—really, I do—but I’m almost incapable of stepping back and seeing the long view that God takes. His answers are always more complicated, more magnificent, and more character-building than I would have expected (and sadly, often more character building than I would have chosen)."

I know my time here has not been in vain. I've met some great people, but many of them have—for lack of a better phrase—"left me", and moved on to other things, other friends, other places. But I'm still here. It's hard to understand "why", but I know all of this might not be revealed to me til a later time in life.

Jesus has been doing a huge work in my heart here the past 4 years. I've gone through so much inner healing and refining, I'm surprised I didn't fall into deep depression. I struggle with depression, but it's in spouts, and by the grace of God, I always somehow seem to come out of it.

The thing I have to constantly remind myself and hold onto:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

At the end of Randy's book, he points out: God’s purposes really do work toward good. And how most of us dont really believe this—and if we do, we don’t align our minds with what we believe. Our hearts may believe in this "powerful, almighty God" with a good, kind Spirit, but our heart still remains guarded, anticipating hurt and even a bad outcome from His leading. I know that's how I've been living this past year. But not anymore. 

God is giving me so much peace and revelation about His will, His timing, and just His very nature. He loves me. I'm His daughter. He has my best in mind. He has good things in store for me. My job isn't to figure it all out, it's to remain faithful, righteous and to love. In all that I do. Wherever I am.

As Randy encouraged, I'm gonna trust more, lean in farther, pray harder, and enjoy His hand at work even when its doing things that I cant understand.

Nothing is in vain. Nothing is wasted. Even when I make unwise choices, I cant derail myself from God's course and screw up what He has purposed and destined for me to do. It just might not come as quickly or unfold how I thought it would.

Philippians 1:6 says 

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ...So shove it, Satan. :)

Good things to come.

Song of the day [been stuck in my head all morning :)]:

Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue

I'm a lil nervous of being too "vulnerable", but if my experiences, struggles, etc can bring any kind of hope or help to someone out there, then it's worth it :)

So, here I am today. Brokenhearted. Weary. Burdened. Depressed. You name it- I feel it. I've been struggling with these feelings the past few months, but overwhelmingly the past few weeks.

What is brokenhearted? To be "burdened or overwhelmed with great sorrow, grief, or disappointment; heartsick."  Yep, that's me. The "what" I'm going through right now doesn't matter as much as the "how" will I overcome this part.

Yesterday's sermon at church really spoke to my heart. We had a special guest: J. Lee Grady- love him. There was so much in the message to take, but the overall theme: Overcome & Persevere.

He referred to John 16:33: 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus clearly tells us "you WILL have trouble" in this world. Life wasn't promised to be easy for us. As Christians, sometimes our faith becomes so rattled and shaken when we face rough times. We must not be reading our Bibles I guess...cuz it's showered with godly men & women who go through trial after trial, hardship after hardship, etc (i.e. Job, Esther, Daniel, the disciples...the list goes on and on). 

They were put through unimaginable trials and tribulations. Yet, they persevered. I'm sure they had their moments...I'm sure they got angry, bitter, depressed, stressed, etc...but they chose to "overcome" their circumstances--and hold onto God's promises for their lives. And look at what God did with all of them!

J. Lee Grady made this really cool point about a Bamboo tree. This is the short-not-as-informed-on-bamboo-trees version ;) I did Wikipedia bamboo trees, and its not the same across the board for all bamboo tree species, but what J. Lee Grady said still rings true: 

Bamboo trees take years to actually start growing after being planted. He said about 6 yrs. Then, in the 7th year, all of a sudden, they can grow over 3 feet in 24 hours! Then, in the following 3 to 4 months, they'll grow to their full height! (FYI: the average bamboo tree can get anywhere from 15–40 feet high)

So, after not growing an inch for YEARS, all of a sudden, they spring forth and come to fullness in 3 to 4 months! That's amazing...but what was even cooler, was the correlation he made between that and Christians going through hard times.

It's just like that sometimes: Weeks, months, sometimes YEARS of waiting,...wondering when this "season" will end...when will this trial or tribulation be over...when will I see "growth" and "change"...and this lil bamboo tree reminds us that it may take awhile...but it WILL happen. It can often be like a big BAM: it's here! Other times its a gradual process...but its a process, nonetheless. And If you're going through that process right now, I feel you. I'm right there with you.

But if you lean on God, you can overcome.

I just heard this song "Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue", by Jason Gray, for the first time last week...great songwriter. There's a part 1 & 2 of the song. In part 2 he sings:

The winter can make us wonder if spring was ever true
But every winter breaks upon the Easter lily's bloom
Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Could you believe everything sad is coming untrue?

Broken hearts are being unbroken
Bitter words are being unspoken
The curse undone, the veil is parted
The garden gate will be left unguarded

Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Oh, I believe everything sad is coming untrue
In the hands of the One who is making all things new.

So beautiful. He makes ALL things new. Even our broken hearts.

Everything "sad" in us right now will one day become "untrue"...God is more than capable of reversing the damage done to us by people, the hurts of this world, ourselves- He wants to heal us. The question is, will we persevere through the trials and tribulations...will our faith be unmovable, unshakable...will we hold on, even if it takes months, or years? I pray for all of you that you will. And I pray for myself every day. 

Life is painful. But God has not turned His back on me, or you. Believe His word and His promises. 


Quote of the day:

“We want to avoid suffering, death, sin, ashes. But we live in a world crushed and broken and torn, a world God Himself visited to redeem. We receive his poured-out life, and being allowed the high privilege of suffering with Him, may then pour ourselves out for others.” -Elisabeth Elliot 

Song of the day:

First.blog.ever. Here I go!

I'm not really sure my "direction" for my blog yet, but we'll start with just whats on my mind and what's going on in my life at the moment! Sound good? :)

So let's start with my "username" for the blog: ekballor. I wanted it to be "ekballo" --a Greek word I've been reading about-- no "r", but that was taken. So I figured, since I am a "baller", I should make it "ekballor"...it just made sense ;)

I read about this Greek word "ekballo" on this guys blog I've been reading. His name is Randy Bohlender (http://randybohlender.com/blog/) and I'm reading his book "Jesus Killed My Church"--highly recommended.

Anyways, he was talking about this word. Here's the rundown:

A few definitions for ekballo:
a great thrusting or casting out, sending. 
to draw out, extract, one thing inserted in another.
to bring out of, to draw or bring forth. 
to lead one forth or away somewhere with a force which he cannot resist

The word is used in a few very different contexts in the Bible.
-When Jesus went to the desert for the season of testing, it said He was a driven – or ekballo‘d – man. (Mark 1)
-When casting out demons, Jesus proposed that they must be "driven out" – ekballo. (Mark 1, 3, 5,6,7,9)
-He also used ekballo when telling us to pray that laborers be sent forth into the harvest. (Heb. 11) He pointed out how people are sometimes "sent forth" with the same sort of violent thrust that was used to cast demons out of people! Crazy.

Randy's point:
"We all anticipate that an ekballo moment would be difficult for demons. What makes us think it would be comfortable for us? Sometimes, we’re pretty "entrenched" ourselves. The tearing and shoving that it takes for us to move out of our comfort zone is painful."

"Too many have struggled to stay where they are when they encountered their ekballo moment because they could not conceive of something being at once God’s will and painful."

Why am I retelling what I read on someone else's blog? Because it encouraged me, opened my eyes, and made me realize this is my "ekballo" season.

God has been doing so many things in my heart and life the past 4 years since graduating college. I have often gotten discouraged, wondering "why am I here?", "what am I doing with my life?", "why am I going through this?" but I've come to a peace with God's timing. And more importantly: His promises. This past year He has "thrust" me into situation after situation, "cast out of me, drawn out, extracted" fear after fear, lie after lie, and I've never felt so determined and challenged in my whole life.

The biggest fear I overcame happened only a few weeks ago, with my boarding a plane for the 1st time in 27 years. I was terrified of flying- the mere thought brought me great anxiety and fear. But I knew it had to be conquered and was holding me back in life. It's probably gonna always be one of the biggest fears I've ever had to overcome.

Anyways, long story short: I'm not scared anymore. I do have other things-as-of-yet-to-be-conquered, but alot of these other things are in the works, and im crossing off goal after goal. I truly believe this is my "ekballo" year, and I am so excited for what else God is gonna bring forth [ekballo!] in and out of me.

My heart is open and ready, and He can "ekballo" me wherever He wants, however He wants!

Thanks for reading my first blog. More to come :)

Quote of the day: 

"We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are." -Max Depree

Song of the day: