Lucky #15

**Warning: Cliche/cheesy/deep New Years post alert**

So blogging, writing, sharing my feelings, sharing my heart, etc...all those things were lost for me in 2014. Honestly, 2014 was a tough year for me. The past 2 years in particular have been the hardest of my life probably. I thought 2013 was a doozy, but it was just a preview of what 2014 had in store for me.

Ya think you know who you are...and then WHOOSH...God throws a big ole' tidal wave of growth, maturity and truth over you. Fun times.

My 20s have been the most growing, stretching, and hardest years of my life. I’m 29 now, so this is my last year in the 20s. I know lot of people dread turning 30, but not me. Despite what that means to the child in me, the adult in me is leaping for joy! Because I KNOW what God has brought me out of. I know who He says I am. Who He is. I know the dreams He’s put in my heart, and honestly, it can only get better from here. I know there’s gonna be rough waters ahead. It’s life: that’s basically a given. But this year, in October of 2015, I will fully and whole-heartedly embrace my 30th birthday. Claiming it now: The 30s are gonna be the BEST years of my life!

But the 20s aren’t over, and I’m not trying to blaze outta them just yet. I have a lot yet left to do this last year of my 20s. I am determined to leave it with a bang, and really have some awesome memories and accomplishments to take from it.

Despite my reference to the hardships I’ve faced the past 2-10 years (haha), God has really shown me this last year, over and over, the incredible amount of blessings I have to be thankful for. For the first time in my life, I think I understand contentment. Not complacency: contentment. Big difference.

Where I was a year ago today, where I was a year before that, and who I am today? Wow. Totally different people. I still have a lot of the "old Keri” in me, but I’ve also had to let go of some big parts of what made me “that” Keri. Some people still don't understand that, and, some may never get the chance to understand it. Heck, I don't even always understand it. 

But that’s one of the key things to my life that I have found peace with finally: I am HUMAN. I don't always understand. I make mistakes. I don't get it all right the first time, or the second, and sometimes it takes me over 20 times to get something right! Haha. Not always. But sometimes. :)

But God really, really, REALLY doesn't expect perfection from me. Or expect me to win, succeed, understand, or GET it all the first try. He knew when He made me I was gonna mess up a LOT. And He was prepared for that. [I guess that’s why He wrote Romans 8:28, huh?] All He’s ever asked for from His children is that we TRY. And have FAITH. And when I fail? Get back up again and try again! Whoops, I messed up again?! GET BACK UP and try again! I screwed it up AGAIN?!! You get it. :) Keep. Getting. Back. Up. So simple. But our thick heads make it so complicated sometimes. 

[now go replace "me" or "I" with "you" and re-read] :)

We let fear entangle us. Paralyze us. We’re so scared of failing or making a mistake, that we end up missing out on some of the best experiences and sometimes best FAILURES of our lives. Can you even have an amazing failure?! Oh yeah. But that’s for another post. :)

The point is: You cant stop living and going after your dreams and purpose because of failures or set backs. You learn, you grow, you move on. It's definitely not as easy as I just wrote it... most of the time: not easy at ALL. But if you can get past your failures: you will be GREATLY rewarded. And blessed. I’m a living testimony of that.

So here’s to the failures and the successes in store for 2015! I’m pretty positive I’m gonna learn from both, and be a better person because of them.

And here’s to me blogging more frequently again. I have lot to say. And I think I’m ready to start sharing again. :)

*Side note: 15th blog ever written...and it’s 2015 now...coincidence? You decide. ;) Also, trying out a new title..."life in the grey"...that's what we're all working through, right? It's usually not black, or white. It's all the grey in between we gotta figure out. :)

Song of the day: Johnnyswim: Heart Beats

Jesus Killed My Plans

This whole week I've been trying to absorb what I learned from this book I just read, called Jesus Killed My Church, by Randy Bohlender. I'm part of this book club where I get to read free eBooks once a month or something...this was the first one I got.

"Jesus Killed My Church" is the story of a church plant that should have gone gangbusters yet managed to go bust, and a church planter who learned that the only measure of success is recognizing the leadership of Jesus as perfect. Randy Bohlender relays his lessons learned in a humorous way that drives home a point – that God has a plan even when ours fall apart." [Amazon]

I thought, "Uhhh, Im not looking to plant a church anywhere...why would I read this"...but then I saw the "God has a plan even when ours fall apart" part...and thought, "Yeah, maybe I should read this."

It's a miracle I finished it—not because it was too long or boring—I just have a hard time finishing books. But from the first chapter, I was enthralled in this man's story. His story-telling style was so captivating. I wanted to keep reading. He has amazing accounts of miracles, confirmations, and God's CRAZY provision in his family's life.

Randy says:

"God is forever writing our story, and He gives us the dignity of being able to introduce characters that occasionally wrinkle the plot. Often we fear that we've permanently changed the trajectory of what might have been if we’d only been more obedient or pious. He smiles at this. He alone knows how many pages He has left before He needs to bring resolve, and He knows that it’s going to be okay."

It's ok to fail. It's ok to not get it right the first time. Or even the second time. I've really struggled this past year with believing this though. 

Last year, at this exact time, I was planning to move to NYC to pursue my dream of doing something media/broadcasting-related. I told everyone I was going. I even started to give away stuff that I couldnt take with me. For months beforehand, I was messaging strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, etc, seeking out connections on where to move, etc. I even joined a roommate-finder website! 

I was saving money all year. Then my car started dying—$700—bye. Then my job cut my hours from full-time to part-time—that extra ~$400 dollars a month—deuces. I couldn't save money to save my life, and I couldn't find a roommate/place to live.

I was planning on moving in August. It was the end of June, and nothing was working out. Come mid-July, I had to make a decision. Go out on a limb with the $1200 i had to my name and move without having a solid plan, or, lay down this dream for the time being and find a place to rent in Sarasota. 

Obviously, I stayed. It felt like I was trying to force God's timing. And He wasnt having it.

I had truly believed that God was releasing me to move finally. My parents were moving, all these friends of mine were getting married, moving away, or moving on. I thought "It's my time! Why am I staying? I need to go after my dreams and just DO SOMETHING!" 

But it just didn't work out how I thought it would. 

Honestly, I've struggled with a lot of hurt from God since then. Not anger, just hurt and confusion. I have big dreams in my heart, big plans for my future—plans and dreams I feel like He placed in me. And none of them are coming to pass in Florida. Year by year has gone by, and all these people around me are moving, changing, progressing, and I felt like I was in this cycle of constant "change", but the change wasn't happening IN me, only to me and around me.

Randy also says:

"In the moment, I rarely fully know what God is doing. I try—really, I do—but I’m almost incapable of stepping back and seeing the long view that God takes. His answers are always more complicated, more magnificent, and more character-building than I would have expected (and sadly, often more character building than I would have chosen)."

I know my time here has not been in vain. I've met some great people, but many of them have—for lack of a better phrase—"left me", and moved on to other things, other friends, other places. But I'm still here. It's hard to understand "why", but I know all of this might not be revealed to me til a later time in life.

Jesus has been doing a huge work in my heart here the past 4 years. I've gone through so much inner healing and refining, I'm surprised I didn't fall into deep depression. I struggle with depression, but it's in spouts, and by the grace of God, I always somehow seem to come out of it.

The thing I have to constantly remind myself and hold onto:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

At the end of Randy's book, he points out: God’s purposes really do work toward good. And how most of us dont really believe this—and if we do, we don’t align our minds with what we believe. Our hearts may believe in this "powerful, almighty God" with a good, kind Spirit, but our heart still remains guarded, anticipating hurt and even a bad outcome from His leading. I know that's how I've been living this past year. But not anymore. 

God is giving me so much peace and revelation about His will, His timing, and just His very nature. He loves me. I'm His daughter. He has my best in mind. He has good things in store for me. My job isn't to figure it all out, it's to remain faithful, righteous and to love. In all that I do. Wherever I am.

As Randy encouraged, I'm gonna trust more, lean in farther, pray harder, and enjoy His hand at work even when its doing things that I cant understand.

Nothing is in vain. Nothing is wasted. Even when I make unwise choices, I cant derail myself from God's course and screw up what He has purposed and destined for me to do. It just might not come as quickly or unfold how I thought it would.

Philippians 1:6 says 

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ...So shove it, Satan. :)

Good things to come.

Song of the day [been stuck in my head all morning :)]:

Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue

I'm a lil nervous of being too "vulnerable", but if my experiences, struggles, etc can bring any kind of hope or help to someone out there, then it's worth it :)

So, here I am today. Brokenhearted. Weary. Burdened. Depressed. You name it- I feel it. I've been struggling with these feelings the past few months, but overwhelmingly the past few weeks.

What is brokenhearted? To be "burdened or overwhelmed with great sorrow, grief, or disappointment; heartsick."  Yep, that's me. The "what" I'm going through right now doesn't matter as much as the "how" will I overcome this part.

Yesterday's sermon at church really spoke to my heart. We had a special guest: J. Lee Grady- love him. There was so much in the message to take, but the overall theme: Overcome & Persevere.

He referred to John 16:33: 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus clearly tells us "you WILL have trouble" in this world. Life wasn't promised to be easy for us. As Christians, sometimes our faith becomes so rattled and shaken when we face rough times. We must not be reading our Bibles I guess...cuz it's showered with godly men & women who go through trial after trial, hardship after hardship, etc (i.e. Job, Esther, Daniel, the disciples...the list goes on and on). 

They were put through unimaginable trials and tribulations. Yet, they persevered. I'm sure they had their moments...I'm sure they got angry, bitter, depressed, stressed, etc...but they chose to "overcome" their circumstances--and hold onto God's promises for their lives. And look at what God did with all of them!

J. Lee Grady made this really cool point about a Bamboo tree. This is the short-not-as-informed-on-bamboo-trees version ;) I did Wikipedia bamboo trees, and its not the same across the board for all bamboo tree species, but what J. Lee Grady said still rings true: 

Bamboo trees take years to actually start growing after being planted. He said about 6 yrs. Then, in the 7th year, all of a sudden, they can grow over 3 feet in 24 hours! Then, in the following 3 to 4 months, they'll grow to their full height! (FYI: the average bamboo tree can get anywhere from 15–40 feet high)

So, after not growing an inch for YEARS, all of a sudden, they spring forth and come to fullness in 3 to 4 months! That's amazing...but what was even cooler, was the correlation he made between that and Christians going through hard times.

It's just like that sometimes: Weeks, months, sometimes YEARS of waiting,...wondering when this "season" will end...when will this trial or tribulation be over...when will I see "growth" and "change"...and this lil bamboo tree reminds us that it may take awhile...but it WILL happen. It can often be like a big BAM: it's here! Other times its a gradual process...but its a process, nonetheless. And If you're going through that process right now, I feel you. I'm right there with you.

But if you lean on God, you can overcome.

I just heard this song "Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue", by Jason Gray, for the first time last week...great songwriter. There's a part 1 & 2 of the song. In part 2 he sings:

The winter can make us wonder if spring was ever true
But every winter breaks upon the Easter lily's bloom
Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Could you believe everything sad is coming untrue?

Broken hearts are being unbroken
Bitter words are being unspoken
The curse undone, the veil is parted
The garden gate will be left unguarded

Could it be everything sad is coming untrue?
Oh, I believe everything sad is coming untrue
In the hands of the One who is making all things new.

So beautiful. He makes ALL things new. Even our broken hearts.

Everything "sad" in us right now will one day become "untrue"...God is more than capable of reversing the damage done to us by people, the hurts of this world, ourselves- He wants to heal us. The question is, will we persevere through the trials and tribulations...will our faith be unmovable, unshakable...will we hold on, even if it takes months, or years? I pray for all of you that you will. And I pray for myself every day. 

Life is painful. But God has not turned His back on me, or you. Believe His word and His promises. 


Quote of the day:

“We want to avoid suffering, death, sin, ashes. But we live in a world crushed and broken and torn, a world God Himself visited to redeem. We receive his poured-out life, and being allowed the high privilege of suffering with Him, may then pour ourselves out for others.” -Elisabeth Elliot 

Song of the day: