Jesus Killed My Plans

This whole week I've been trying to absorb what I learned from this book I just read, called Jesus Killed My Church, by Randy Bohlender. I'm part of this book club where I get to read free eBooks once a month or something...this was the first one I got.

"Jesus Killed My Church" is the story of a church plant that should have gone gangbusters yet managed to go bust, and a church planter who learned that the only measure of success is recognizing the leadership of Jesus as perfect. Randy Bohlender relays his lessons learned in a humorous way that drives home a point – that God has a plan even when ours fall apart." [Amazon]

I thought, "Uhhh, Im not looking to plant a church anywhere...why would I read this"...but then I saw the "God has a plan even when ours fall apart" part...and thought, "Yeah, maybe I should read this."

It's a miracle I finished it—not because it was too long or boring—I just have a hard time finishing books. But from the first chapter, I was enthralled in this man's story. His story-telling style was so captivating. I wanted to keep reading. He has amazing accounts of miracles, confirmations, and God's CRAZY provision in his family's life.

Randy says:

"God is forever writing our story, and He gives us the dignity of being able to introduce characters that occasionally wrinkle the plot. Often we fear that we've permanently changed the trajectory of what might have been if we’d only been more obedient or pious. He smiles at this. He alone knows how many pages He has left before He needs to bring resolve, and He knows that it’s going to be okay."

It's ok to fail. It's ok to not get it right the first time. Or even the second time. I've really struggled this past year with believing this though. 

Last year, at this exact time, I was planning to move to NYC to pursue my dream of doing something media/broadcasting-related. I told everyone I was going. I even started to give away stuff that I couldnt take with me. For months beforehand, I was messaging strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, etc, seeking out connections on where to move, etc. I even joined a roommate-finder website! 

I was saving money all year. Then my car started dying—$700—bye. Then my job cut my hours from full-time to part-time—that extra ~$400 dollars a month—deuces. I couldn't save money to save my life, and I couldn't find a roommate/place to live.

I was planning on moving in August. It was the end of June, and nothing was working out. Come mid-July, I had to make a decision. Go out on a limb with the $1200 i had to my name and move without having a solid plan, or, lay down this dream for the time being and find a place to rent in Sarasota. 

Obviously, I stayed. It felt like I was trying to force God's timing. And He wasnt having it.

I had truly believed that God was releasing me to move finally. My parents were moving, all these friends of mine were getting married, moving away, or moving on. I thought "It's my time! Why am I staying? I need to go after my dreams and just DO SOMETHING!" 

But it just didn't work out how I thought it would. 

Honestly, I've struggled with a lot of hurt from God since then. Not anger, just hurt and confusion. I have big dreams in my heart, big plans for my future—plans and dreams I feel like He placed in me. And none of them are coming to pass in Florida. Year by year has gone by, and all these people around me are moving, changing, progressing, and I felt like I was in this cycle of constant "change", but the change wasn't happening IN me, only to me and around me.

Randy also says:

"In the moment, I rarely fully know what God is doing. I try—really, I do—but I’m almost incapable of stepping back and seeing the long view that God takes. His answers are always more complicated, more magnificent, and more character-building than I would have expected (and sadly, often more character building than I would have chosen)."

I know my time here has not been in vain. I've met some great people, but many of them have—for lack of a better phrase—"left me", and moved on to other things, other friends, other places. But I'm still here. It's hard to understand "why", but I know all of this might not be revealed to me til a later time in life.

Jesus has been doing a huge work in my heart here the past 4 years. I've gone through so much inner healing and refining, I'm surprised I didn't fall into deep depression. I struggle with depression, but it's in spouts, and by the grace of God, I always somehow seem to come out of it.

The thing I have to constantly remind myself and hold onto:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

At the end of Randy's book, he points out: God’s purposes really do work toward good. And how most of us dont really believe this—and if we do, we don’t align our minds with what we believe. Our hearts may believe in this "powerful, almighty God" with a good, kind Spirit, but our heart still remains guarded, anticipating hurt and even a bad outcome from His leading. I know that's how I've been living this past year. But not anymore. 

God is giving me so much peace and revelation about His will, His timing, and just His very nature. He loves me. I'm His daughter. He has my best in mind. He has good things in store for me. My job isn't to figure it all out, it's to remain faithful, righteous and to love. In all that I do. Wherever I am.

As Randy encouraged, I'm gonna trust more, lean in farther, pray harder, and enjoy His hand at work even when its doing things that I cant understand.

Nothing is in vain. Nothing is wasted. Even when I make unwise choices, I cant derail myself from God's course and screw up what He has purposed and destined for me to do. It just might not come as quickly or unfold how I thought it would.

Philippians 1:6 says 

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ...So shove it, Satan. :)

Good things to come.

Song of the day [been stuck in my head all morning :)]: