The "F" word...

No, not that "F word"... did I fool ya? ;) haha. If only I could write a blog on that...it'd probably be a much easier subject than this "F word":  Forgiveness.

for·give  [fer-giv]
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

I've always thought of myself as a very forgiving person. I hate to have bad blood between me and anyone...I try and give people the benefit of the doubt...I try and see the good in all people...I love to "fix" things...I love to "communicate"...and I love having people like me! Haha, who doesn't?

But lately I have really been tested in this area. Forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion—all of it goes hand-in-hand. So I just wanted to talk about my experience with this, in hopes that maybe it will encourage someone reading this, who might be going through something similar or will in the future.

The past 2 months have probably been the hardest months of my life. To sum it up without being too exposing: 

-My entire immediate family moving out to Wyoming [parents, older sis, bro-in-law, and their 5 kids].
-My little sister and her husband are moving to Thailand in a few months for who knows how long.
-If that wasn't hard enough, a couple close friends have hurt me deeply and have disappeared from my life. 

Needless to say, I feel pretty lonely and abandoned here in big, ole' Florida. At the time when I need friends the most, a handful of the ones closest to me seem to be nowhere in sight. And that's hard.

If these "changes" were one at a time, I'm sure it'd be easier...but all these things happened all at once, and I'm struggling. It's like that fun, lil' quote goes: "When it rains, it pours."

The hardest kind of forgiveness is the kind where someone wrongs you, but they don't apologize or try and right the wrong...so you have to forgive them without ever feeling "justified" or "reconciled" or anything... You just have to let go... That's the hardest kind, and that's the kind I'm going through lately.

Luckily, my stubbornness comes in handy here—because I've decided that I wont let anyone have control like that over me. That's what happens to you if you cant forgive someone and move on—you give them a power over you—a control. I saw this quote a long time ago and always liked it:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes

So, I have been in this process of forgiveness. That's what forgiveness really is: a process. Someone hurts you, you forgive them, and even though you may truly forgiven them right then, the pain/hurt/offense is sure to pop up again...the enemy is sneaky like that. Sometimes it's the next day, week, or it might not pop up until years later—but you have to continually choose to forgive—and show those people grace and mercy, even when they don't deserve it.

This isnt the end of the story for me. There's always going to be some offense that will pop up, in need of forgiveness—it's just up to us whether we decide to pick up that offense and carry it around on our backs—letting it drag us down. It's a hard, but worthwhile process. It's like I told a close friend in an email recently:

"I have good days and bad days. A lot of lonely days, but God will/is sustaining me. He's a good Dad, and I just gotta put my faith in Him when man/"friends" fail... I feel stronger week by week...I'm easily consumed by my problems though...but I'm laying these things down continually to Him and trying not to focus on whats going WRONG, cuz there's still good stuff going right too :) God knows what I need when I need it...thats what I tell myself. He's in control :)"

God has been showing me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I know I don't "deserve" the grace and forgiveness I've been given...that's for darn sure...so who am I to withhold it from someone else?

I've been looking at this quote daily to remind myself of the right mindset to have:

“A warrior mindset is always focused on victory. It allows no possibility of defeat. It does not retreat. It stands under extreme pressure. It advances by God’s permission. The Lord has a language of intimidation; it’s called worship. Your intimacy intimidates the enemy. Never forget that he is afraid of rejoicing hearts. He cannot stay in the presence of real praise.” -Graham Cooke

Victory- yes! I wont give up on love- or people. It's all about renewing your mind and your thought life. We have to change our perspectives on our situations, change unhealthy thought-patterns and habits that get us back in the same situations over and over, and choose to walk in the truth daily! [props to Mr. Davis for that reminder last Sunday :)]. Block out the lies that say "well, if so-n-so used me, everyone is gonna use me"..."if so-n-so hurt my trust, I cant trust anyone"...those are lies, and you cant let your past define your future. 

There's a quote I saw from one of my favorite authors, Danny Silk. He has a book called "Keep Your Love On" that I haven't read yet, but he quotes on Facebook all the time. The other day he said:

"Turning your love back on after it has been off is even more powerful then turning it on the first time. Turning your love back on after the experience of pain means that your choice to love one another can not be conditioned by what the other person does or dose not do. KYLO!!!" -Danny Silk

That goes hand-in-hand with what the Bible says [more references: Matt. 6:14-15, Matt. 18:21-22]:

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

So simple, but so powerful. "Keep Your Love On", people. And forgive. Over and over. With no expectations. Your spirit will thank you, and eventually, those people you forgive might even thank you too :)

Song of the Day: 

Oceans (Where feet may fail)- Hillsong United :)