It's A Hard Knock Life...So Grab a Helmet ;)

I've kind of had writers block for a few weeks.

I was telling a friend the other day that when I was going through a period of all this stress and drama and I seemed to have a lot more "inspiration" for my blog...he said something on the lines of "Oh, so there's no more drama and everything's going good all the time now?" And I laughed and said something like "Better than it was...at least, different kinds of obstacles now."

[obstacles- get it?! ;)]

But I've realized something lately, and that is the state of mind I've taken on.

I've had a lot of "people" hurts the past year, and I let a lot of those hurts change me and change the way I loved, pursued and even talked to people. I had to learn a lot of personal boundaries this year, and in figuring out what this looks like, I feel like I've kind of gone the extreme opposite route.

I have let people in my life that, in hindsight, really haven't treated me that well. As a person. As a friend. As a woman. You name it. No one is perfect, and we all have our faults, but I've allowed myself to be a doormat in a lot of friendships. I wanted to "love them" through things, but in allowing certain behaviors and repeated actions, and by not having a lot of self-worth, I set myself up for a handful of unhealthy relationships.

But praise God, He has freed me from a lot of that worthlessness, and unhealthy relationships.

That's a whole other blog in itself. That being said, I let these "hard lessons" change me...and make me hard. I haven't lost my old self completely, but I sure have lost a lot of her. I don't know if people on the outside would be able to tell. Unless you were one of my close friends, and actually knew about my "heart", you probably couldn't tell. On the surface, I continued to love, pursue and connect with people. But it was more shallow, and on the inside everything had changed.

This personal-heart-funk I've been going through this year has run it's course though. At least that's what I've decided. It's still extremely hard to trust people, and I'm still figuring out what boundaries are necessary and what ones aren't—but that's OK.

Trusting, loving, learning- it's all a process. Life is one big, crazy process, and the older I've gotten, the less hard I am on myself. You cant be—or you wont survive—at least with much joy.

Grace has been one of the biggest themes of my life of 2013. Grace for others, big time; but also, a lot of grace for myself.

God's not mad at me for not having it all figured out, for not getting it right every time, for messing up. And He's not mad at you either. He's proud of us for every right decision we make, for every right thought we have, and proud of us for just trying—He doesn't expect perfection. Otherwise, what was the point of Jesus' life? We cant save ourselves. We cant figure it all out. He's our Redemption.

I was reading a blog by Ally Vesterfelt today actually, and it's like she was "reading my mail", haha. It's called Why I Would Rather Be Crazy Than Boring. Read it all, but here's a key excerpt:

"I’d rather be this girl, the girl who is committed to forgive, and love, and move, and act, and let go, push forward and believe even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed, even if it means being hurt, again and again.
I’d rather set audacious goals, than to set mediocre ones I know I can meet, or not set goals at all, to maintain my fragile ego. I know that girl too well, and I don’t want to be her anymore.
I’d rather swing for the fences.
I’d rather be crazy.
I’d rather risk my whole life for something that matters than to get to the end and realized I played it safe so I could drive a nice car and own a leather couch. I’d rather hold to things loosely, feeling grateful for gifts as they come, and giving them away as they are needed by others.
I’d rather give to much than too little."

So this is my goal: To not be scared of rejection, pain, hurt, failure. To learn how to love again with my whole heart. To let God continue to put back together the pieces of my heart that have been damaged. He's faithful to complete what He started, and I know He's already started this.

I got angry this week when I thought about some Christians I know who are really hard to be around. Those kind of people who you either love 'em or hate 'em. You're either on their good side or their bad side. You either can talk freely or you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

Lord, may I not be the kind of person who people are uneasy or weary about being around. We all have our flaws, but to not know—on a daily basis—if you're going to get a hateful word, a mean joke, a nasty glare, or an ignoring attitude from someone—kinda unacceptable if you ask me. And definitely not Christ-like. There's grace for them too, but there's also responsibility for our actions.

I've been really impacted by this revelation of love, and the power of our words over the past few months.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." -Prov.18:21

Our words really do have power—use them for good—to encourage, honor, uplift, respect, & love.  Your words, jokes, texts, Facebook posts, all of it—they have the power to either encourage and honor someone, or discourage and dishonor them. We don't take enough responsibility sometimes for our words & actions.

Yeah, it really can be a "hard knock life", but you cant let the hardness of life turn your heart hard.

I don't know about you, but I just think life is way too short to be stingy and self-centered. It's a much more fulfilling life when you can freely love and give to others. Try it, if you're not already—it'll change your life. :)

Song of the Day:

"Hard Knock Life" from Annie, of course ;)

One Thing God Stinks At: Hide n Seek

So, I've been trying to figure out what to write about this week. 

A lot going on in my head, my heart, my life. It’s been a "meh" kind of week. 

I had to face some things in the beginning of the week that I had been avoiding, and it really wore me down. I’m on this journey of overcoming some deep hurts in my heart, and this week I have definitely been tried. 

That being said, I was really encouraged last night by my beautiful, wise friend Georgia. She shared with me a vision God gave her a few years ago that meant a lot to her, and she told it to me to encourage me. I asked her if I could share it.

Her vision was of her and Jesus. They are walking and talking in a garden, hand in hand. They take a walk down this path in the garden. Talking and enjoying each other. Then, a big storm comes out of no where. There’s a lot of wind and rain- she cant hear His voice anymore. But she can still feel His hand- so she's ok. Then, it starts to get really cold- she cant feel her hand in His anymore. But she can still see Him- so she’s ok. Then, it gets really dark. She cant even see Him now. She cant hear Him, she cant feel Him, and now she cant even see Him. Then her vision came to an end.

She asked God what this meant. And He told her [paraphrased by me]: “Remember this vision, you will need to remember it. Remember the beginning of it. Because hard times are coming. They’re going to come. But I told you I would never let go, no matter which way you went. I’ll always be walking beside you...I will always be here. Even when you cant “hear” me. Even when you cant “feel” me. Even when you cant “see” me. I’m here. Always.”

What a powerful vision. Especially for what I’m going through right now. 

I've asked myself a lot lately “Where are you, God? I know You’re here. But I cant hear You...I cant feel You...And I definitely cant see You—in my prayers, in your people, anywhere.” 

I’m going through some painful, unresolved situations with a few people I was very close to. And all of them are believers. I have begun to build up walls of hurt, shame, mistrust, and bitterness towards others because of that. I don't like this new person who keeps trying to appear, posing as “Keri”...it’s not me. I don't want to be that girl.

It’s funny how when people screw you over, we somehow turn our anger, mistrust and hurt on God. Like He’s the one that made them do and say hurtful things to you. He didn't though. And we have a choice to let these things define us, or drive us to be better, stronger people. 

I so easily forget...but I was again reminded in a devotional I was reading yesterday:

“Life as a Christ follower will always be a learning process of depending less on our own strength and more on God’s power.” James 1:2-4 says:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

We assume that everything is great for those who have what we lack. Even though someone may not be struggling with what you’re struggling with, they sure do have other struggles that they have to depend on God for too. No one is immune from pain and suffering. We all go through it.

God is showing me a lot about not comparing, and a lot about being content. He’s teaching me even more about this “depending less on me and more on Him” thing.

Even when I cant “hear, feel or see” Him, I know He’s there—He was before, so He will be again. [He never left, that’s just how it feels]

The miracles, the prayers answered, the blessings—I’ve experienced them—and there will be more. Because He’s a good Father, and He has good things in store for me—and you!

I just want to encourage anyone reading this who ever feels forgotten, abandoned, rejected, replaced, disposable, used, etc—you’re not. People may make you feel that way, but God never will do those things to you. Zephaniah 3:17 says:

“The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

You are loved—by a great and Mighty God. Even when you cant “feel” Him... He’s there in your "midst". Going through that trial with you. Going through that pain with you. He’s there- understanding, sympathizing, caring, comforting. If you persevere—holding on to faith, hope and love—you will see Him. 

He’s the worst at hide and seek. He wants to be found and seen :)

New song from Bethel. 

Perfect Song of the Day:

"I Can Feel You"

The "F" word...

No, not that "F word"... did I fool ya? ;) haha. If only I could write a blog on that...it'd probably be a much easier subject than this "F word":  Forgiveness.

for·give  [fer-giv]
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

I've always thought of myself as a very forgiving person. I hate to have bad blood between me and anyone...I try and give people the benefit of the doubt...I try and see the good in all people...I love to "fix" things...I love to "communicate"...and I love having people like me! Haha, who doesn't?

But lately I have really been tested in this area. Forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion—all of it goes hand-in-hand. So I just wanted to talk about my experience with this, in hopes that maybe it will encourage someone reading this, who might be going through something similar or will in the future.

The past 2 months have probably been the hardest months of my life. To sum it up without being too exposing: 

-My entire immediate family moving out to Wyoming [parents, older sis, bro-in-law, and their 5 kids].
-My little sister and her husband are moving to Thailand in a few months for who knows how long.
-If that wasn't hard enough, a couple close friends have hurt me deeply and have disappeared from my life. 

Needless to say, I feel pretty lonely and abandoned here in big, ole' Florida. At the time when I need friends the most, a handful of the ones closest to me seem to be nowhere in sight. And that's hard.

If these "changes" were one at a time, I'm sure it'd be easier...but all these things happened all at once, and I'm struggling. It's like that fun, lil' quote goes: "When it rains, it pours."

The hardest kind of forgiveness is the kind where someone wrongs you, but they don't apologize or try and right the wrong...so you have to forgive them without ever feeling "justified" or "reconciled" or anything... You just have to let go... That's the hardest kind, and that's the kind I'm going through lately.

Luckily, my stubbornness comes in handy here—because I've decided that I wont let anyone have control like that over me. That's what happens to you if you cant forgive someone and move on—you give them a power over you—a control. I saw this quote a long time ago and always liked it:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes

So, I have been in this process of forgiveness. That's what forgiveness really is: a process. Someone hurts you, you forgive them, and even though you may truly forgiven them right then, the pain/hurt/offense is sure to pop up again...the enemy is sneaky like that. Sometimes it's the next day, week, or it might not pop up until years later—but you have to continually choose to forgive—and show those people grace and mercy, even when they don't deserve it.

This isnt the end of the story for me. There's always going to be some offense that will pop up, in need of forgiveness—it's just up to us whether we decide to pick up that offense and carry it around on our backs—letting it drag us down. It's a hard, but worthwhile process. It's like I told a close friend in an email recently:

"I have good days and bad days. A lot of lonely days, but God will/is sustaining me. He's a good Dad, and I just gotta put my faith in Him when man/"friends" fail... I feel stronger week by week...I'm easily consumed by my problems though...but I'm laying these things down continually to Him and trying not to focus on whats going WRONG, cuz there's still good stuff going right too :) God knows what I need when I need it...thats what I tell myself. He's in control :)"

God has been showing me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I know I don't "deserve" the grace and forgiveness I've been given...that's for darn sure...so who am I to withhold it from someone else?

I've been looking at this quote daily to remind myself of the right mindset to have:

“A warrior mindset is always focused on victory. It allows no possibility of defeat. It does not retreat. It stands under extreme pressure. It advances by God’s permission. The Lord has a language of intimidation; it’s called worship. Your intimacy intimidates the enemy. Never forget that he is afraid of rejoicing hearts. He cannot stay in the presence of real praise.” -Graham Cooke

Victory- yes! I wont give up on love- or people. It's all about renewing your mind and your thought life. We have to change our perspectives on our situations, change unhealthy thought-patterns and habits that get us back in the same situations over and over, and choose to walk in the truth daily! [props to Mr. Davis for that reminder last Sunday :)]. Block out the lies that say "well, if so-n-so used me, everyone is gonna use me"..."if so-n-so hurt my trust, I cant trust anyone"...those are lies, and you cant let your past define your future. 

There's a quote I saw from one of my favorite authors, Danny Silk. He has a book called "Keep Your Love On" that I haven't read yet, but he quotes on Facebook all the time. The other day he said:

"Turning your love back on after it has been off is even more powerful then turning it on the first time. Turning your love back on after the experience of pain means that your choice to love one another can not be conditioned by what the other person does or dose not do. KYLO!!!" -Danny Silk

That goes hand-in-hand with what the Bible says [more references: Matt. 6:14-15, Matt. 18:21-22]:

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

So simple, but so powerful. "Keep Your Love On", people. And forgive. Over and over. With no expectations. Your spirit will thank you, and eventually, those people you forgive might even thank you too :)

Song of the Day: 

Oceans (Where feet may fail)- Hillsong United :)