Was That Bells I Heard? Cause I Just Got Schooled!

I was thinking today how I got SCHOOLED. Big time. 

By who? Who else...The Man!

God has been schooling me a lot lately.

I loved learning growing up. I loved knowledge, friends, school activities. I loved all the social and informational aspects of school...but I cant say I really loved school itself.

Growing up, especially in high school, my school days were showered with tons of absences, or tardees, haha. I hated waking up. So, I didn't normally, unless my mom made me. Haha.

Also in high school, I would make "cheat sheets" just to make sure I passed tests... I wanted to do other things besides studying [you know, get on AOL instant messenger and chat with my friends who I saw all day at school...or watch Boy Meets World or TRL...important stuff ;)] Even if I knew the material, I thought: "Better safe than sorry!"... FYI kids, I was .10 of a point away from being an honor grad, actually having my GPA count and getting Bright Futures... see where cheating gets you? In debt. For college. Because you didn't study and get scholarships. Haha.

But God sometimes does a different kind of "schooling"... His isn't always in your face.

I have found time and time again it's learned by hit and miss. Trial and error. Learning as you go. He doesn't force learning on you, it just happens.

The biggest thing I've been "schooled" in lately is not only how His love looks like for me, but how His love looks like for others.

To love like Jesus. I don't think most of us can truly wrap our head around what that really looks like, lived out.

We try our best. Usually. At least until it becomes inconvenient...or someone annoys us too much... or hurts us too bad...or screws us over too much... then, Deuces! They're out.

My friend Sam knows I've been having a hard time liking some people lately, so she sent me an excerpt from this book she's reading. It said:

"You might think, "I'll forgive the person who hurt me, but he doesn't deserve my friendship, so that's where I draw the line." Or you might force the words. "I forgive you" out of your mouth but resist actually granting them from the heart. But "to forgive is to give people more than their due"; it is a gift from the heart. (Matt.18:35)

I've written about forgiveness before. Not only is forgiveness a process, but it's something that takes actual effort. It takes actual sacrifice. It takes work. It takes love.

I was reading an email from Donald Miller, and in it he said:

"I don’t have the responsibility to change any of the adults around me. They have control over their lives and I have control over mine. That's ordained by God and any other dynamic quickly becomes toxic. I can inspire people or encourage them or even rebuke them but it’s not my responsibility to change them. What if, instead, people have been given to us by God for ours and their enjoyment. There are, of course, unsafe people, but I’m talking about those people we trust, friends and trusted family members. I want to start replacing my “fix” response with an “enjoy” response and just let people be themselves."

This theme has really been meaningful in my life lately.

One of my favorite authors, Danny Silk, said it like this:

"Building a connection is all about your approach to the other person, it is not about you creating change in the other person."

It's not our job to change someone. That's God's job. Christians get this wrong way too often.

There's people chanting in the streets, on the corner, with signs, banners, words... and most the time, it's not out of love... it's out of judgement...or out of a desire to change people, and make them "think like you"...

Since when do people who don't call themselves Christians actually think like Christians? Isn't it the Holy Spirit's job to do the convicting? The changing? Our job is to love like Jesus. Period. 

Like Donald pointed out, yes, we can "inspire people or encourage them or even rebuke them" [in love] —not change. There's a difference.

I was reading a blog written by Sarah Thebarge, titled "Why Drive-By Charity is Ruining Your View of God", in it she said:

"Loving the world this way isn't cheap — it comes at a high personal cost — but it’s simple...It just requires us to be present where we are.

If each of us took the time to know and unconditionally love the people living next door to us…

If we didn't run away from the brokenness but lived in it…

If we didn't try to protect ourselves from the messiness but embraced it…

And if everyone we came in contact with did the same…

…well, that kind of thing could change the world."

I was really challenged reading that. Now living it: that's the real challenge. 

I get worn out with love often. It seems more times than not, it isn't always reciprocated—at least in the way I expect or think it should be.

But loving people, the way Jesus does, "it comes at a high personal cost"—Yes. The cost being: Your pride. Your self-righteousness. Your time.

I've been guilty plenty of times thinking and saying "Uhh, I'm not Jesus, I just cant do it that way, or that perfect..." Yes, we will never be perfect...but if we truly practiced loving people this way...the way He does...then "practice" would definitely help to "make perfect."

As Heidi Baker always says about people: "Love Them to Life."

Think about it. I sure have been.

Was that bells I heard? 'Cause, now, you just got schooled! ;)

;)

Song of the Day:

Sidewalk Prophets- "Live Like That"

Cake Boss: "Becoming Love" edition

If you read my blogs often, you've seen a theme: Heartache. Testing. Refining.

I've been going through a lot the past few months.

But good news: this blog is a praise report, not a "trial report". Haha.

In my devotion today, it was referencing 2 Corinthians 11:30:

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

Ray Stedman said this about that verse:

"He boasts about the things that show his weakness. That is what we ought to be boasting about, the times when we did not look good, the times when we fell on our faces and failed. Paul says that is what he boasts about. He says, As I look back on my life, one incident comes to mind. It was a time when I was a complete failure at what I was trying to do. That is what I boast in, because that is when I began to learn the most important lesson of my life."

And I thought, "Yeah, that's kind of what I've been doing all these months." 

Not because I'm super spiritual, or super humble, or super awesome. But because it's all I had.

It sucks to learn things the hard way, but sometimes that's what it takes to actually get it.

I've been going through a few relational trials, lessons and heartaches the past few months, and one of them finally came to some much-needed-and-prayed-about reconciliation a few days ago.

I had been praying for months that God would just intervene...change this other person's heart. I prayed a long time for restoration and reconciliation. Then, I came to the place where I realized I had to "let go". And anyone that knows me well, knows that is almost impossible for me to do. 

I care about relationships, friendships, people. I'm not a fair-weather, wishy-washy, short-term kind of friend. I consider myself very loyal, faithful, caring and giving in my friendships. Luckily, I think most of my friends would agree with me on that.

So it sucks big time when crap happens and friends push you out of their life, and nothing you say, do, pray, etc, seems to change their heart.

So, even though I hate those corny, Christian sayings [haha] I literally had to "Let go, and let God."

I felt like God told me to let go of this friendship, along with a couple others that have been hurtful, unhealthy and un-reciprocating.

So, I stopped trying, pursuing, and I started to change my prayers. My prayers became more for this person as an individual, and less of God "fixing" my problem with them. I also had to start praying for myself more, and focusing on myself more. 

Because in the end, we literally have no control over someone else's actions, thoughts, words, etc. We only have control over our own.

I had to pray for God just to overflow my spirit with forgiveness, grace and love for this person, along with the others I've mentioned. All I can say is it's been one of the most draining, trying, stretching seasons of my life. 

To forgive someone who hasn't apologized to you. To love someone who has hurt you. To give grace to someone who seems to get it all the time, for the same stuff...THAT'S HARD.

But God gave it to me, and when I stopped focusing on "fixing" my problems, and just "letting God" do what He does, it happened...in His timing. I knew all God wanted me to do was love this person and walk in grace toward them, and when I did one small gesture doing so, the door opened for communication with them. And in the end, there was the peace and reconciliation my heart so desired.

I didn't have to have this reconciliation. But I really wanted it. And God knew that. He wires us the way we are for a reason, and I am wired for closure and communication. 

There was a lot of crap, and it's not like that relationship will ever be perfect. And I still have some other friendships that may not be reconciled, though this one was. But what I came to realize throughout all of this is that: 

It's OK.

God is SO much bigger than my problems, my hurts, my insecurities, my downfalls. He is a Healer, a Restorer, a Giver, and a Friend. And He was all those things to me, and MORE, throughout all this crap I've gone through. And He'll continue to be there for all the crap that I know is around the corner. Because, that's life. There's struggles. There's hurts. But He's there. And He is extremely good.

One negative thing I let this lost friendship do to me was consume me. I can have an obsessive personality, and I am very sensitive. I'm not going to apologize for either, because I know I had to go through this the way I did to understand myself, and God, as much as I do now. And I also know God made me the way I am for a reason. 

I care about people. I care about relationships. I care about feelings. I care about communication. I just...care. 

I guess that's why Daddy always called me "Care Bear"...haha, not just because it's a common nickname for Keri...but also, since a young age, I was super sensitive to other people and for other people...it's just who I is! ;)

Love-a-lot Bear ;)

I once read that for relationships that are important to us, we have to "risk vulnerability to the point of possible rejection"...that has been the story of my life. I put myself out there for people. I know they're worth it, and I know that even if they reject me, it was worth it to show them they were worth it.

All this relational drama really made me feel a lot of failure and a lot of worthlessness. I blamed myself for a lot. "I should have done this, shouldn't have done that," etc, etc... And, FYI, that kind of talking to yourself will get you nowhere. 

I saw this quote the other day, and it really resonated with me. 

"I don't call it failure. I call it learning. See, I want to learn about me. And then I celebrate progress, not perfection." -Steve Blacklund

I'll leave you with this video of a powerful message I heard. It really was the icing on this big/hard/ugly/crazy/beautiful LOVE cake God had been baking for me...haha. I was thinking He's kinda like the Cake Boss...He whips up crazy wonders we could never have imagined up ourselves :)

[if God made me a cake, it would look like this...but bigger] ;)

Find the time to watch this video. If not today, another day. It challenged my whole way of thinking and loving people, and although I knew a lot of it already, I didn't really grasp it. Until now :)

Video of the Day:

Dan Mohler- Becoming Love

Grace: The Rarely-told Story

Lately I've been struggling with anger and un-forgiveness... but I realized there was one person I was probably more angry at and unforgiving towards than any of these other people that pop in my mind lately: Myself.

I can be really hard on myself. And I can be really prideful. It's hard for me to fail in front of people. I've been going through a lot of pain and hurt the past few months, but something I realized lately is that I'm really angry at myself...and I need to let myself off the hook.

I take a lot of responsibility when bad things happen to me. Some of the responsibility is fair—but a lot is unfair.

I used to have crazy thoughts growing up, like: if I stumped my toe, I would wonder "What did I do God?!" Haha. Like, the littlest things would make me wonder "Are You There God?! Why am I being punished?!"

But the older, and thankfully wiser I've gotten, I've realized that my view of God was SO off. I mean, I was being a normal 6 or 7 year old, but if I stumped my toe, hurt myself, etc- it must be because God was mad at me, right? Wrong. That's ridiculous.

But I know this "Big, Angry, Punishing God" view is one that many of us grew up with.

But the closer you get to Him...the closer you get to His heart...the more you realize how wonderfully LOVING and FORGIVING He is. Bad stuff happens—Yes. But it's not because God is punishing us. It's because we live in a messed up world, with messed up people, and God gave us free will. And yano, sometimes "crap" just happens.

And lately, a whole lotta crap is going on that I have no control over. I've condemned myself for a lot of it, because I somehow struggle with "Could I have done something to prevent this?! What did I do to deserve this?!"

And the answer is: nothing.

I'm a firm believer in there are consequences for our actions, our decisions, our choices—but I'm a non-believer in the idea that God is mad at me for being human and making mistakes sometimes.

I got a secret to tell you: God knew we were gonna mess up.

He knows we're human. He knows we like to sin! And be selfish, un-grateful, un-forgiving, un-loving, etc. He's not stupid. He's GOD.

Which is why I wont live in un-forgiveness or condemnation—towards myself or towards anyone else. We're gonna make mistakes, we're not always gonna "get it right the first time", but that's ok. God never expected us to be perfect.

It reminds me of that analogy of a parent watching their baby learn how to walk: The parent is so excited when they start going for it! Then *kerplunk*—they fall. Have you ever heard a parent yell at their baby after they fell? "Ahhh!! You idiot!!! WHY DID YOU FALL!?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!"
Haha, no! That's ridiculous isnt it?!

In the same way, its ridiculous for us to feel like God feels that way toward us when we fall.

Just like the parents of those walking toddlers: God's just happy we were trying! He's proud of us for our effort. And He knows eventually, we're gonna get it. Some make it on the first try, but more-often-than-not, you have to fail a few times before you get it right.

Too often we forget that beautiful, precious, sweet word said multiple times in the Bible:

It's actually mentioned 170 times in the Bible. Pretty popular word I guess...and popular practice by God maybe?

When you truly understand what grace means, that's when you are changed and can walk in real, genuine freedom.

There's many people who try and abuse this gift of grace—try being the key word—but we cant worry about those people who always seem to play the "grace card"... Galatians 6:7-8 comes to mind:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

If you're sowing into unproductive, unedifying, unholy things—that's what you're going to reap in return. God gives us freedom, but with freedom comes consequences for our decisions and choices.

But remember: God's not a perfectionist. He just wants our best. He sees our hearts, our motives, and as long as we are trying our best... that's all He asks for. There is Grace.

Too often we beat ourselves up. We feel unhappy with where we're at, what we're doing, what we've done, who we are. But as Richard Stearns of World Vision says it:

"God doesn't make any losers. Jesus came to turn losers into winners. You are a child of the King, a unique one-of-a-kind miracle, and you were created to play a critical role in the big story of God."

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." -1 Corinthians 1:26-29

I'll leave you with this Christian poster I saw once that was kinda corny as a poster, but kinda awesome as a reminder of the kind of people God uses. So whenever you're feeling crummy about yourself, down on your luck, unusable, unlovable, etc, remember:  God has used people who have done way "worse" than you may ever do, and He loves redeeming us and using us for His glory. 

He's pretty awesome like that. Walk in freedom. Walk in grace. It's free!

Song of the Day:

United Pursuit Band- Story of Grace

The "F" word...

No, not that "F word"... did I fool ya? ;) haha. If only I could write a blog on that...it'd probably be a much easier subject than this "F word":  Forgiveness.

for·give  [fer-giv]
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).

I've always thought of myself as a very forgiving person. I hate to have bad blood between me and anyone...I try and give people the benefit of the doubt...I try and see the good in all people...I love to "fix" things...I love to "communicate"...and I love having people like me! Haha, who doesn't?

But lately I have really been tested in this area. Forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion—all of it goes hand-in-hand. So I just wanted to talk about my experience with this, in hopes that maybe it will encourage someone reading this, who might be going through something similar or will in the future.

The past 2 months have probably been the hardest months of my life. To sum it up without being too exposing: 

-My entire immediate family moving out to Wyoming [parents, older sis, bro-in-law, and their 5 kids].
-My little sister and her husband are moving to Thailand in a few months for who knows how long.
-If that wasn't hard enough, a couple close friends have hurt me deeply and have disappeared from my life. 

Needless to say, I feel pretty lonely and abandoned here in big, ole' Florida. At the time when I need friends the most, a handful of the ones closest to me seem to be nowhere in sight. And that's hard.

If these "changes" were one at a time, I'm sure it'd be easier...but all these things happened all at once, and I'm struggling. It's like that fun, lil' quote goes: "When it rains, it pours."

The hardest kind of forgiveness is the kind where someone wrongs you, but they don't apologize or try and right the wrong...so you have to forgive them without ever feeling "justified" or "reconciled" or anything... You just have to let go... That's the hardest kind, and that's the kind I'm going through lately.

Luckily, my stubbornness comes in handy here—because I've decided that I wont let anyone have control like that over me. That's what happens to you if you cant forgive someone and move on—you give them a power over you—a control. I saw this quote a long time ago and always liked it:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes

So, I have been in this process of forgiveness. That's what forgiveness really is: a process. Someone hurts you, you forgive them, and even though you may truly forgiven them right then, the pain/hurt/offense is sure to pop up again...the enemy is sneaky like that. Sometimes it's the next day, week, or it might not pop up until years later—but you have to continually choose to forgive—and show those people grace and mercy, even when they don't deserve it.

This isnt the end of the story for me. There's always going to be some offense that will pop up, in need of forgiveness—it's just up to us whether we decide to pick up that offense and carry it around on our backs—letting it drag us down. It's a hard, but worthwhile process. It's like I told a close friend in an email recently:

"I have good days and bad days. A lot of lonely days, but God will/is sustaining me. He's a good Dad, and I just gotta put my faith in Him when man/"friends" fail... I feel stronger week by week...I'm easily consumed by my problems though...but I'm laying these things down continually to Him and trying not to focus on whats going WRONG, cuz there's still good stuff going right too :) God knows what I need when I need it...thats what I tell myself. He's in control :)"

God has been showing me a lot about grace and forgiveness. I know I don't "deserve" the grace and forgiveness I've been given...that's for darn sure...so who am I to withhold it from someone else?

I've been looking at this quote daily to remind myself of the right mindset to have:

“A warrior mindset is always focused on victory. It allows no possibility of defeat. It does not retreat. It stands under extreme pressure. It advances by God’s permission. The Lord has a language of intimidation; it’s called worship. Your intimacy intimidates the enemy. Never forget that he is afraid of rejoicing hearts. He cannot stay in the presence of real praise.” -Graham Cooke

Victory- yes! I wont give up on love- or people. It's all about renewing your mind and your thought life. We have to change our perspectives on our situations, change unhealthy thought-patterns and habits that get us back in the same situations over and over, and choose to walk in the truth daily! [props to Mr. Davis for that reminder last Sunday :)]. Block out the lies that say "well, if so-n-so used me, everyone is gonna use me"..."if so-n-so hurt my trust, I cant trust anyone"...those are lies, and you cant let your past define your future. 

There's a quote I saw from one of my favorite authors, Danny Silk. He has a book called "Keep Your Love On" that I haven't read yet, but he quotes on Facebook all the time. The other day he said:

"Turning your love back on after it has been off is even more powerful then turning it on the first time. Turning your love back on after the experience of pain means that your choice to love one another can not be conditioned by what the other person does or dose not do. KYLO!!!" -Danny Silk

That goes hand-in-hand with what the Bible says [more references: Matt. 6:14-15, Matt. 18:21-22]:

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

So simple, but so powerful. "Keep Your Love On", people. And forgive. Over and over. With no expectations. Your spirit will thank you, and eventually, those people you forgive might even thank you too :)

Song of the Day: 

Oceans (Where feet may fail)- Hillsong United :)