Cake Boss: "Becoming Love" edition

If you read my blogs often, you've seen a theme: Heartache. Testing. Refining.

I've been going through a lot the past few months.

But good news: this blog is a praise report, not a "trial report". Haha.

In my devotion today, it was referencing 2 Corinthians 11:30:

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

Ray Stedman said this about that verse:

"He boasts about the things that show his weakness. That is what we ought to be boasting about, the times when we did not look good, the times when we fell on our faces and failed. Paul says that is what he boasts about. He says, As I look back on my life, one incident comes to mind. It was a time when I was a complete failure at what I was trying to do. That is what I boast in, because that is when I began to learn the most important lesson of my life."

And I thought, "Yeah, that's kind of what I've been doing all these months." 

Not because I'm super spiritual, or super humble, or super awesome. But because it's all I had.

It sucks to learn things the hard way, but sometimes that's what it takes to actually get it.

I've been going through a few relational trials, lessons and heartaches the past few months, and one of them finally came to some much-needed-and-prayed-about reconciliation a few days ago.

I had been praying for months that God would just intervene...change this other person's heart. I prayed a long time for restoration and reconciliation. Then, I came to the place where I realized I had to "let go". And anyone that knows me well, knows that is almost impossible for me to do. 

I care about relationships, friendships, people. I'm not a fair-weather, wishy-washy, short-term kind of friend. I consider myself very loyal, faithful, caring and giving in my friendships. Luckily, I think most of my friends would agree with me on that.

So it sucks big time when crap happens and friends push you out of their life, and nothing you say, do, pray, etc, seems to change their heart.

So, even though I hate those corny, Christian sayings [haha] I literally had to "Let go, and let God."

I felt like God told me to let go of this friendship, along with a couple others that have been hurtful, unhealthy and un-reciprocating.

So, I stopped trying, pursuing, and I started to change my prayers. My prayers became more for this person as an individual, and less of God "fixing" my problem with them. I also had to start praying for myself more, and focusing on myself more. 

Because in the end, we literally have no control over someone else's actions, thoughts, words, etc. We only have control over our own.

I had to pray for God just to overflow my spirit with forgiveness, grace and love for this person, along with the others I've mentioned. All I can say is it's been one of the most draining, trying, stretching seasons of my life. 

To forgive someone who hasn't apologized to you. To love someone who has hurt you. To give grace to someone who seems to get it all the time, for the same stuff...THAT'S HARD.

But God gave it to me, and when I stopped focusing on "fixing" my problems, and just "letting God" do what He does, it happened...in His timing. I knew all God wanted me to do was love this person and walk in grace toward them, and when I did one small gesture doing so, the door opened for communication with them. And in the end, there was the peace and reconciliation my heart so desired.

I didn't have to have this reconciliation. But I really wanted it. And God knew that. He wires us the way we are for a reason, and I am wired for closure and communication. 

There was a lot of crap, and it's not like that relationship will ever be perfect. And I still have some other friendships that may not be reconciled, though this one was. But what I came to realize throughout all of this is that: 

It's OK.

God is SO much bigger than my problems, my hurts, my insecurities, my downfalls. He is a Healer, a Restorer, a Giver, and a Friend. And He was all those things to me, and MORE, throughout all this crap I've gone through. And He'll continue to be there for all the crap that I know is around the corner. Because, that's life. There's struggles. There's hurts. But He's there. And He is extremely good.

One negative thing I let this lost friendship do to me was consume me. I can have an obsessive personality, and I am very sensitive. I'm not going to apologize for either, because I know I had to go through this the way I did to understand myself, and God, as much as I do now. And I also know God made me the way I am for a reason. 

I care about people. I care about relationships. I care about feelings. I care about communication. I just...care. 

I guess that's why Daddy always called me "Care Bear"...haha, not just because it's a common nickname for Keri...but also, since a young age, I was super sensitive to other people and for other people...it's just who I is! ;)

Love-a-lot Bear ;)

I once read that for relationships that are important to us, we have to "risk vulnerability to the point of possible rejection"...that has been the story of my life. I put myself out there for people. I know they're worth it, and I know that even if they reject me, it was worth it to show them they were worth it.

All this relational drama really made me feel a lot of failure and a lot of worthlessness. I blamed myself for a lot. "I should have done this, shouldn't have done that," etc, etc... And, FYI, that kind of talking to yourself will get you nowhere. 

I saw this quote the other day, and it really resonated with me. 

"I don't call it failure. I call it learning. See, I want to learn about me. And then I celebrate progress, not perfection." -Steve Blacklund

I'll leave you with this video of a powerful message I heard. It really was the icing on this big/hard/ugly/crazy/beautiful LOVE cake God had been baking for me...haha. I was thinking He's kinda like the Cake Boss...He whips up crazy wonders we could never have imagined up ourselves :)

[if God made me a cake, it would look like this...but bigger] ;)

Find the time to watch this video. If not today, another day. It challenged my whole way of thinking and loving people, and although I knew a lot of it already, I didn't really grasp it. Until now :)

Video of the Day:

Dan Mohler- Becoming Love