Grace: The Rarely-told Story

Lately I've been struggling with anger and un-forgiveness... but I realized there was one person I was probably more angry at and unforgiving towards than any of these other people that pop in my mind lately: Myself.

I can be really hard on myself. And I can be really prideful. It's hard for me to fail in front of people. I've been going through a lot of pain and hurt the past few months, but something I realized lately is that I'm really angry at myself...and I need to let myself off the hook.

I take a lot of responsibility when bad things happen to me. Some of the responsibility is fair—but a lot is unfair.

I used to have crazy thoughts growing up, like: if I stumped my toe, I would wonder "What did I do God?!" Haha. Like, the littlest things would make me wonder "Are You There God?! Why am I being punished?!"

But the older, and thankfully wiser I've gotten, I've realized that my view of God was SO off. I mean, I was being a normal 6 or 7 year old, but if I stumped my toe, hurt myself, etc- it must be because God was mad at me, right? Wrong. That's ridiculous.

But I know this "Big, Angry, Punishing God" view is one that many of us grew up with.

But the closer you get to Him...the closer you get to His heart...the more you realize how wonderfully LOVING and FORGIVING He is. Bad stuff happens—Yes. But it's not because God is punishing us. It's because we live in a messed up world, with messed up people, and God gave us free will. And yano, sometimes "crap" just happens.

And lately, a whole lotta crap is going on that I have no control over. I've condemned myself for a lot of it, because I somehow struggle with "Could I have done something to prevent this?! What did I do to deserve this?!"

And the answer is: nothing.

I'm a firm believer in there are consequences for our actions, our decisions, our choices—but I'm a non-believer in the idea that God is mad at me for being human and making mistakes sometimes.

I got a secret to tell you: God knew we were gonna mess up.

He knows we're human. He knows we like to sin! And be selfish, un-grateful, un-forgiving, un-loving, etc. He's not stupid. He's GOD.

Which is why I wont live in un-forgiveness or condemnation—towards myself or towards anyone else. We're gonna make mistakes, we're not always gonna "get it right the first time", but that's ok. God never expected us to be perfect.

It reminds me of that analogy of a parent watching their baby learn how to walk: The parent is so excited when they start going for it! Then *kerplunk*—they fall. Have you ever heard a parent yell at their baby after they fell? "Ahhh!! You idiot!!! WHY DID YOU FALL!?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!"
Haha, no! That's ridiculous isnt it?!

In the same way, its ridiculous for us to feel like God feels that way toward us when we fall.

Just like the parents of those walking toddlers: God's just happy we were trying! He's proud of us for our effort. And He knows eventually, we're gonna get it. Some make it on the first try, but more-often-than-not, you have to fail a few times before you get it right.

Too often we forget that beautiful, precious, sweet word said multiple times in the Bible:

It's actually mentioned 170 times in the Bible. Pretty popular word I guess...and popular practice by God maybe?

When you truly understand what grace means, that's when you are changed and can walk in real, genuine freedom.

There's many people who try and abuse this gift of grace—try being the key word—but we cant worry about those people who always seem to play the "grace card"... Galatians 6:7-8 comes to mind:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

If you're sowing into unproductive, unedifying, unholy things—that's what you're going to reap in return. God gives us freedom, but with freedom comes consequences for our decisions and choices.

But remember: God's not a perfectionist. He just wants our best. He sees our hearts, our motives, and as long as we are trying our best... that's all He asks for. There is Grace.

Too often we beat ourselves up. We feel unhappy with where we're at, what we're doing, what we've done, who we are. But as Richard Stearns of World Vision says it:

"God doesn't make any losers. Jesus came to turn losers into winners. You are a child of the King, a unique one-of-a-kind miracle, and you were created to play a critical role in the big story of God."

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." -1 Corinthians 1:26-29

I'll leave you with this Christian poster I saw once that was kinda corny as a poster, but kinda awesome as a reminder of the kind of people God uses. So whenever you're feeling crummy about yourself, down on your luck, unusable, unlovable, etc, remember:  God has used people who have done way "worse" than you may ever do, and He loves redeeming us and using us for His glory. 

He's pretty awesome like that. Walk in freedom. Walk in grace. It's free!

Song of the Day:

United Pursuit Band- Story of Grace

First.blog.ever. Here I go!

I'm not really sure my "direction" for my blog yet, but we'll start with just whats on my mind and what's going on in my life at the moment! Sound good? :)

So let's start with my "username" for the blog: ekballor. I wanted it to be "ekballo" --a Greek word I've been reading about-- no "r", but that was taken. So I figured, since I am a "baller", I should make it "ekballor"...it just made sense ;)

I read about this Greek word "ekballo" on this guys blog I've been reading. His name is Randy Bohlender (http://randybohlender.com/blog/) and I'm reading his book "Jesus Killed My Church"--highly recommended.

Anyways, he was talking about this word. Here's the rundown:

A few definitions for ekballo:
a great thrusting or casting out, sending. 
to draw out, extract, one thing inserted in another.
to bring out of, to draw or bring forth. 
to lead one forth or away somewhere with a force which he cannot resist

The word is used in a few very different contexts in the Bible.
-When Jesus went to the desert for the season of testing, it said He was a driven – or ekballo‘d – man. (Mark 1)
-When casting out demons, Jesus proposed that they must be "driven out" – ekballo. (Mark 1, 3, 5,6,7,9)
-He also used ekballo when telling us to pray that laborers be sent forth into the harvest. (Heb. 11) He pointed out how people are sometimes "sent forth" with the same sort of violent thrust that was used to cast demons out of people! Crazy.

Randy's point:
"We all anticipate that an ekballo moment would be difficult for demons. What makes us think it would be comfortable for us? Sometimes, we’re pretty "entrenched" ourselves. The tearing and shoving that it takes for us to move out of our comfort zone is painful."

"Too many have struggled to stay where they are when they encountered their ekballo moment because they could not conceive of something being at once God’s will and painful."

Why am I retelling what I read on someone else's blog? Because it encouraged me, opened my eyes, and made me realize this is my "ekballo" season.

God has been doing so many things in my heart and life the past 4 years since graduating college. I have often gotten discouraged, wondering "why am I here?", "what am I doing with my life?", "why am I going through this?" but I've come to a peace with God's timing. And more importantly: His promises. This past year He has "thrust" me into situation after situation, "cast out of me, drawn out, extracted" fear after fear, lie after lie, and I've never felt so determined and challenged in my whole life.

The biggest fear I overcame happened only a few weeks ago, with my boarding a plane for the 1st time in 27 years. I was terrified of flying- the mere thought brought me great anxiety and fear. But I knew it had to be conquered and was holding me back in life. It's probably gonna always be one of the biggest fears I've ever had to overcome.

Anyways, long story short: I'm not scared anymore. I do have other things-as-of-yet-to-be-conquered, but alot of these other things are in the works, and im crossing off goal after goal. I truly believe this is my "ekballo" year, and I am so excited for what else God is gonna bring forth [ekballo!] in and out of me.

My heart is open and ready, and He can "ekballo" me wherever He wants, however He wants!

Thanks for reading my first blog. More to come :)

Quote of the day: 

"We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are." -Max Depree

Song of the day: