It's A Hard Knock Life...So Grab a Helmet ;)

I've kind of had writers block for a few weeks.

I was telling a friend the other day that when I was going through a period of all this stress and drama and I seemed to have a lot more "inspiration" for my blog...he said something on the lines of "Oh, so there's no more drama and everything's going good all the time now?" And I laughed and said something like "Better than it was...at least, different kinds of obstacles now."

[obstacles- get it?! ;)]

But I've realized something lately, and that is the state of mind I've taken on.

I've had a lot of "people" hurts the past year, and I let a lot of those hurts change me and change the way I loved, pursued and even talked to people. I had to learn a lot of personal boundaries this year, and in figuring out what this looks like, I feel like I've kind of gone the extreme opposite route.

I have let people in my life that, in hindsight, really haven't treated me that well. As a person. As a friend. As a woman. You name it. No one is perfect, and we all have our faults, but I've allowed myself to be a doormat in a lot of friendships. I wanted to "love them" through things, but in allowing certain behaviors and repeated actions, and by not having a lot of self-worth, I set myself up for a handful of unhealthy relationships.

But praise God, He has freed me from a lot of that worthlessness, and unhealthy relationships.

That's a whole other blog in itself. That being said, I let these "hard lessons" change me...and make me hard. I haven't lost my old self completely, but I sure have lost a lot of her. I don't know if people on the outside would be able to tell. Unless you were one of my close friends, and actually knew about my "heart", you probably couldn't tell. On the surface, I continued to love, pursue and connect with people. But it was more shallow, and on the inside everything had changed.

This personal-heart-funk I've been going through this year has run it's course though. At least that's what I've decided. It's still extremely hard to trust people, and I'm still figuring out what boundaries are necessary and what ones aren't—but that's OK.

Trusting, loving, learning- it's all a process. Life is one big, crazy process, and the older I've gotten, the less hard I am on myself. You cant be—or you wont survive—at least with much joy.

Grace has been one of the biggest themes of my life of 2013. Grace for others, big time; but also, a lot of grace for myself.

God's not mad at me for not having it all figured out, for not getting it right every time, for messing up. And He's not mad at you either. He's proud of us for every right decision we make, for every right thought we have, and proud of us for just trying—He doesn't expect perfection. Otherwise, what was the point of Jesus' life? We cant save ourselves. We cant figure it all out. He's our Redemption.

I was reading a blog by Ally Vesterfelt today actually, and it's like she was "reading my mail", haha. It's called Why I Would Rather Be Crazy Than Boring. Read it all, but here's a key excerpt:

"I’d rather be this girl, the girl who is committed to forgive, and love, and move, and act, and let go, push forward and believe even when it doesn't make sense to believe; even if it means being disappointed, even if it means being hurt, again and again.
I’d rather set audacious goals, than to set mediocre ones I know I can meet, or not set goals at all, to maintain my fragile ego. I know that girl too well, and I don’t want to be her anymore.
I’d rather swing for the fences.
I’d rather be crazy.
I’d rather risk my whole life for something that matters than to get to the end and realized I played it safe so I could drive a nice car and own a leather couch. I’d rather hold to things loosely, feeling grateful for gifts as they come, and giving them away as they are needed by others.
I’d rather give to much than too little."

So this is my goal: To not be scared of rejection, pain, hurt, failure. To learn how to love again with my whole heart. To let God continue to put back together the pieces of my heart that have been damaged. He's faithful to complete what He started, and I know He's already started this.

I got angry this week when I thought about some Christians I know who are really hard to be around. Those kind of people who you either love 'em or hate 'em. You're either on their good side or their bad side. You either can talk freely or you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

Lord, may I not be the kind of person who people are uneasy or weary about being around. We all have our flaws, but to not know—on a daily basis—if you're going to get a hateful word, a mean joke, a nasty glare, or an ignoring attitude from someone—kinda unacceptable if you ask me. And definitely not Christ-like. There's grace for them too, but there's also responsibility for our actions.

I've been really impacted by this revelation of love, and the power of our words over the past few months.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." -Prov.18:21

Our words really do have power—use them for good—to encourage, honor, uplift, respect, & love.  Your words, jokes, texts, Facebook posts, all of it—they have the power to either encourage and honor someone, or discourage and dishonor them. We don't take enough responsibility sometimes for our words & actions.

Yeah, it really can be a "hard knock life", but you cant let the hardness of life turn your heart hard.

I don't know about you, but I just think life is way too short to be stingy and self-centered. It's a much more fulfilling life when you can freely love and give to others. Try it, if you're not already—it'll change your life. :)

Song of the Day:

"Hard Knock Life" from Annie, of course ;)

Going Raw: More Than a 30-day Challenge

Today is the first day of a 30-day Raw Challenge I'm doing with two of my friends. Just had lunch: so far so good, haha. For those of you who don't know what that entails me eating, here's a lovely food pyramid of the only stuff I'm allowed to eat:

I know it will be a challenge, but considering how disciplined I've been in my diet the past 3-4 months [having already lost 50 lbs] I'm only cutting out a few more things now to go "raw"... I'm ready for the challenge, so I'm all in!

As I was thinking about "going raw" for 30 days I started thinking about how I've been "going raw" spiritually the past few months too—but it definitely wasn't my idea—and it's been going on way longer than 30 days.

I have been in this grueling, painful, "raw" process all summer. God has been revealing a lot of stuff to me for months, but I wasn't fully grasping or listening. I was weak. I didn't know how to value myself, or honor what God has created me for.

It took some very painful experiences to actually get to a place of being "raw" with Jesus, and letting Him do what He really wants to do in my heart and life.

What do I mean by "raw"? Well let's start with some definitions:

raw  [raw]  
1.uncooked, as articles of food: a raw carrot. 
2.not having undergone processes of preparing, dressing, finishing, refining, or manufacture: raw cotton. 
3.unnaturally or painfully exposed, as flesh, by removal of the skin or natural integument. 
4.painfully open, as a sore or wound. 
5.ignorant, inexperienced, or untrained: a raw recruit. 
6.brutally or grossly frank: a raw portrayal of human passions.

There were a lot more definitions. But I really relate to words like "unnaturally or painfully exposed",  "painfully open", and "ignorant, inexperienced, or untrained"... The stuff I've had to go through personally is excruciating and hard. I feel like I've lost parts of myself, and of my heart, and I have to pray daily that God will completely restore it. Being somewhat "ignorant, inexperienced, and untrained" is also what led me to a lot of this "rawness" I've been experiencing.

But I believe that what Paul talks about happening to himself in 2 Corinthians 12 is what a lot of us will walk through, have walked through, or are currently walking through in some shape or form:

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I'm not sure exactly what this "thorn" was [or "handicap" as other translations refer to it] but it's a reminder of how God will allow things, circumstances, trials, etc, to come into our life—so that when these storms of life come against us, we can lean on Jesus—because He is strong. His grace is enough.

Too often we lean not on Him, but on OURSELVES and OTHERS to get through pain and hardships. And that's not how it works.

God has had to strip me down to the raw, nitty-gritty. I'm nowhere near the same person I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, and I don't ever want to go back. My life, my mentality, my concerns—they might have been much more "safe" and carefree back then...but it was getting me nowhere and I was being deceived—not only by people, but by myself.

Ignorance may be bliss, but I know that the lessons I am learning and the things I am walking through are all a part of a greater purpose—a greater story. And God is the BEST Author and Storyteller.

This story may have a WHOLE lotta conflict and pain in it, but I know the climax and resolution are gonna be amazing—and worth the trials and pain.

I'm still feeling "raw". I'm still learning, struggling, hurting. I forget that He is enough. That He says I am worthy. That there is more. That He is good. I forget sometimes. But then I press in.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14

I was reading a devotional by Christina Caine and I really loved the correlation she made between physical and spiritual health. Here's an excerpt:

"I believe that as Christians we all possess a sincere desire to love God with all our hearts, yet we often unknowingly allow little things to build up inside of us. Slowly, these small subtle obstructions form very large blockages, which over a period of time clog our spiritual arteries and harden our hearts by depriving them of access to their life source. We must do whatever it takes to ensure that these have no place in our lives as followers of Jesus."

My advice: live a RAW life.

[not the WWE kind- I just like the pic] ;)

Let God strip away all the lies, all the dirt, all the grime—even if it's "painfully open" or "painfully exposed"—it'll be worth it in the end. Because raw is real—and why be anything but that?

Song of the Day:

Katy Perry- Roar

[my anthem of the moment] :)

Asleep in the Light

"Actions speak louder than words."—Popular saying. Quoted by many. Lived out by few? It seems to be a struggle of the human heart to actually let what our words say line-up with what our actions say. Atleast that's what I've been experiencing.

Lately, I've been really turned off by Christians. And I am one. Of all the religions, all belief systems out there, ours is supposed to be based in LOVE—but few seem to be "feelin' the love."

You find person after person, family after family—hurt, wounded and turned off from God, church, the whole shebang—all because of "Christians". Before I go on, I want to say that by no means do I expect Christians to be perfect—especially in this area—but we are called to a higher standard.

The older I've gotten, the more confident I've become, especially in the things I know God has gifted me in. And one thing I am confident in, that I boast in the Lord in, is knowing how to love people. I love to reach out, I love to pursue, I love to connect, I love to make people feel accepted, valued, etc. I love to LOVE. I'm good at it, and God created me with this desire to give it out!

But it's not always easy- by any means. And it's especially not easy when I'm not "feelin' the love" from others in return.

I've heard a number of sermons about so many suffering from an "orphan spirit": where Christians profess to know God as Father, but experience an internal contradiction to that belief—Deep down they struggle to comprehend that God loves them. They may harbour feelings of abandonment, fear, unworthiness or rejection. This may be due to unhealed hurts from painful past experiences."

We offer all these teachings on letting God HEAL these areas of our hearts—but that seems to be where it stops sometimes—teaching. We're HEARING about God's love and worth over us, but then not taking that info and APPLYING it—on others.

• There's that shy, awkward person sitting by themselves at church- go talk to them! 
• There's that guy/girl you know never gets invited to anything and doesn't have many friends- invite them to hang out with you and your friends!
• There's that guy/girl who's left the church, maybe isn't "following the Lord", but they need to still know you love them and care, not just wanna talk about him/her behind their backs! Reach out. Call them. Text them. Facebook them! Dont stop caring about people because they stop coming to church.

These are real examples that I see often, and you can probably think of a person you know that fits into one of those scenarios. When did the Church become so self-centered with this "orphan-mentality" that we forgot how to love? What are we gonna do to stop it?

The phrase "the least of these" kept popping into my head as I was thinking about those people, and then I found the verse:

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’....“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"  -Matt. 25:35-40

The "least of these" encompasses so many people—and we are called to LOVE them. You are not an orphan, and neither am I! That's a lie from the enemy. He doesnt want us to love—he wants you to be self-centered, only focus on yourself, your problems, your life—but God wants so much more.

I've read alot lately by people I look up to, that really made me think about my actions and what I hope I am "speaking out" with my life. Some quotes:

"Jesus came to love, and if you're doing anything other than that in the name of God, then He's going to have a bone to pick with you."  -Darren Wilson

"Yes, God wants you to do signs and wonders. But the love of God manifested through you is what people really need. So you first must see His face. You must become so close to His very heartbeat that you can feel what others feel."  -Heidi Baker

"The way to a full and happy life is to get our eyes off ourselves and live for others." -Andy Horner

"But people can be drawn closer to the Lord simply by meeting someone who is truly representing the love of Jesus. Sometimes we don't even need to say things and honestly shouldn't say certain things; we simply need to love others and show them we love them." -Danielle Buncick :)

The central message I'm getting from these quotes, and the message of what I wanna live out in my life? Not change. Not convict. Not pressure. Not judge. Not punish. Not ignore. But:

In Unfinished: Believing Is Only the Beginning by Richard Stearns, he puts it perfectly:

"In other words, love always requires tangible expression. It needs hands and feet. As followers of Christ we can too easily become overwhelmed by the complexity and depth of our Christian faith, and we can become confused by doctrine and theology. The beautiful simplicity of our faith is that it distills down to the exact same bottom line for both the brilliant theologian and the five-year-old child: love God and love each other—period. Everything else derives from that."

If this seems too far-fetched, then I want you to read where I'm getting this from [more references: 1 Corinthians 13, Matthew 22:37-40, John 13:34]:

“If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” -1 John 3:17–18

"...with actions and in truth". So what's stopping us? I know everyone reading this has someone, if not many, they love—but Christians are often looked at by the world [and even by their own] as disingenuous, self-righteous hypocrites—who are not full of love.

Let's break this stereotype, y'all. Seriously. My heart aches for the brokenhearted, the hurt, the depressed, the lonely, the "least of these"—and the world is full of them. Many of you could put yourselves under one of those words too I'm sure—I know I feel like those at times too. But sometimes the best way to push past our own problems is by loving those around us and taking the focus off ourselves.

I hope everyone feels challenged like me. I'm not perfect in this area—at all—but my heart is to grow and mature, as I pray yours is too. I want us Christians to wake up. Keith Green had the most poignant song I've ever heard about this epidemic in the church: "Asleep in the Light." He wrote it in the late 70s, so try and look past the 70s hair, haha. His words are so real, please check it out below :)

I pray that God would open up your eyes to those around you who He truly wants you to LOVE. Who He's called you to love. Cuz they're out there...just start lookin! :)

Song of the Day:

Keith Green- Asleep In The Light